CONNECTIONS to HEALTH

Puns... The lowest form of humour? A bicycle can't stand up on its own because it is two-tyred. A backwards poet writes inverse. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie. There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?" Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers. Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there. When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?" I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only cling film shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me up the wrong way. Did you hear about the Yogi who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. A guy walks into a bar with jump leads. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!" This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four quid," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill." A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw." A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?" A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop." A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. ASCII silly question, Get a silly ANSI Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Some people are wise, and some, otherwise. The standard deviation is not enough for perverted statisticians Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms. Without geometry, life is pointless A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one. Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive" A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never fully developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with ill-fitting footwear suffer the agony of defeat.     A good pun is its own reword

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